I couldn't help but notice your pain My pain? It runs deep; share it with me!

I couldn't help but notice your pain

My pain?

It runs deep; share it with me!

This one line from the beginning of 2Pac’s Pain song was one of the reasons that I write.  He shared pain with the world through his music I share mine through this blog.  This was not to keep holding however to put in the air the pain in order to move on to the future.  My ex used to say I have all these bags for this trip they do not want to check them all.  I quoted my grandma by saying its your baggage get rid of what you did not need.  The pain of the past is not needed for the future it is expendable.  Keep the happy memories do not let those ones deep keep you from being weighed down.  I am starting to figure out more and more.  The junkie mother that shot me up with heroine to test hers to make sure that she did not die from bad drugs.  The military and the constant barrage of bad dreams that plagued me the death and destruction.  I do not talk about because that does not help.  Watching my brothers die, and the ones alive will not speak to me unless they plan on taking their own lives.  The hurricane issues how it changed my life took some of the people I loved.  My body shutting down because I held it all in. 

The move to say goodbye and finalize my life with a bullet.  I could go all day then just fall into a hole not of drugs or alcohol however just locking myself away in a dark place.  I do not need all this stress that plagues me because new stressors are always appearing every day. This wears you down with the baggage that I had brought with me that I think about time to time.  I do not want to end my life however I know that I have wasted so much of my life being used and abused it must stop.  I can admit this is easier said than done.  I get mad of lack of money however I remember the shackles that money once had one me and would not mind be being in the middle.  The person I was struggling everyday a strain for me just to get out of bed to the constant stressors.  I wake up to a rock concert attack to my senses to have others throw their own attacks to keep me in pain so I can be controlled.  Maybe my ex was right to try to refine me however it’s hard to take me and change everything.   Try to change the core and the body will reject this like trying to change gender.  I still try to figure out what I like to do because it was all built on working constantly then doing whatever to make people happy back home.  Maybe someday I will just vent all in a tell all book however I am just not in the mood lately.  Yes, life is good and could be better or worse depending on the day.  I would just like two of them to be the same and at peace.  Where I do not feel great or want to move when the previous day, I was upbeat and fun.  I battle yes do I quit.  The answer is a resounding NO!  I know we all have our demons that haunt us and mine to me are worse than others because they are mine.  The fire is always hottest when it is closer to you.  I will end up great I just pray I have more days and I get enjoy them with no regrets.  I am not talking about doing something stupid after yelling YOLO or You Only Live Once.  This is the new kids hold my beer however this is done with a new type of dumbassary.  I need to go home and visit and enjoy my life more however sometimes it is hard for me because I worry too much. 

This all goes back to my grandmother, who took me away from my mother.  Told me to find happiness.  That you will be happy when you grow up, your life is not labeled by what you do.  The baggage can be left you just have to realize you do not need it.  I will remember the luggage however I will try not to let it keep me from enjoying my trip.