Childhood and dating

 

Okay so this is the last day of September time to tell Green Day to wake up.  This is my birthday month in October, this means I will get older and feel death approaching ever so rapidly.  I know this is very dark however with all that has happened in my life I realize I want to do more.  I am stuck on this damn medication that is helping however this is affecting my sex drive and personality.  I am also being an adult not exposing the raunchy Ari Gold and Doctor House mix that my exes loved and hated at the same time.  I miss that guy he was himself and didn’t care what the world thought however in this cesspool of a world of sensitive Politically correct losers I cannot be my alpha self.  I must tone down or be cast away like a leper.  Cast away like the ring in the volcano however in the grand scheme it is sitting on the edge not destroyed in hopes to be found once again to reclaim the crown once befitting for a king.  The question is how I kick start this engine like a lawnmower in the spring to regain the spark that will make it roar again.  Why am I stuck in this prison in my mind not allowing me to be free? 

Now here I am trying to get the balls in my mud filled head without the tires to get out of this horrible quicksand I am currently in.  I wish there was an energy drink that could set me ablaze with my personality to be free.  I guess my head can be put into prison while the body is free.  I know that I have my issues with a Personality disorder brought on by the garbage life has thrown at me with an anxiety disorder from the same PTSD.  I am not getting going to get into that because fuck that.  I will vent the problems that currently exists as it pertains to how I am feeling with this current problem.  I for years could not let go.  I know that song from Frozen Let it go, however the cold bothers me anyway.  This girl I am talking to is at the point of frustration in which she quotes how many months we have been talking asking if I am wasting her time.  Most get frustrated because I am happy with my life and do not have to make a move.  Is this the one to bring around friends and I mean she does not understand my love for my state and passion for LSU.  This often leads to making plans on Saturdays in which she says the words Oh you can miss this one game.  Then I lose my shit and dump them.  Football means a lot to me however LSU football has been there my whole life. 

Now here we go as the joker has eloquently put it in the Dark Knight Movie.  When I was a kid I watched LSU games with my grandpa and grandma.  When my mom took me to the city before I was stripped from her care for the latest atrocity.  For example, shooting me up with heroine in which she thought could be bad almost killing me.  The time as a child I was hit in the head repeatedly with a wireless phone because she was mad at me for being the reason her latest relationship broke up.  I will state I did not actually make and actions to have this happen however my presence alone was enough.  Back to LSU and my grandparents.  LSU has always been the pride of Louisiana that a poor child in southern Louisiana would want to go.  My grandpa used to tell me stories about football and basketball games.  The purple and gold meant something more a passion for the Tigers.  I saw this as part of me and my state in which most people looked down on.  The rich did look down on us so did America and that wasn’t not because we were in the south.  Most do that as well look down at our southern values because of a war more than a hundred years ago.  I am a coonass ripped from Larose Louisiana by a Junkie mom constantly wanting me to go to the city of New Orleans when she would show me strippers and bars then random guys not wanting anything to do with me so she would lock me in the closet to do what she wanted. 

I would be imprisoned because a babysitter could not be found or warranted.  I watched LSU games and fell in love with them as the best of my state.  Where rich and poor came together with purple and gold draped on them to celebrate Louisiana.  As I write this I smile thinking about my grandparents.  Many people often blame this on why I am not a grown up.  I am happy with it and miss my south Louisiana since most consider me a Nola boy however, I was born and mostly raised in deep Louisiana.  I love both places and proud of my state well the southern part.  Yes, the one considered to be trash does not claim the other portion that dislikes the other part because we are swamp below sea level coonsasses.  A coonass can be considered a slur however I wear it like a badge of honor.  We are not worthless people that will be discarded like the trash people think we are.  Yes, I do hold that monkey on my back or chip on my shoulder if you like to rotate phrases.  Most people do not understand me, and I know it is hard sometimes because I am all over the place like a roach being introduced to light in a seedy motel room.  My dating life is just as confusing looking up exes and the range of different women are hard to find a type.

My type is a woman at the time makes me feel good until they do not anymore.  Then I am nice until it is time not to be nice anymore and yes that is from Roadhouse.  Yes, I am a bit of a what is called a Cinephile.  I am also very scatter brained with my thoughts.  This hurts because most females do not know what I am thinking or my thoughts because they are pinging around my head like a pin ball machine.  I will try to remember all the dating collapse because to be honest it takes numerous lemons squeezed to make lemonade.  That would be the final product or to girlfriends.  Yes, one of these days I will publish all the reasons why I am single as stated by family and friends.  Welcome to the world of confusion better known as my life. 

I now go back to bot me but my dating life and rehash bad dating experiences.  Why am I doing this?  Well for the entertainment of the world or just for those in my life to have cool stories about my life and dating experiences.