boom goes the dynamite

 

Boom there goes the dynamite.  Today yes LSU lost, and it decimated me.  I imploded faster than a bankrupt casino.  Yes, I need to vent about the game, or the aftermath and I will explain in the second half why this one was just a fire with gasoline thrown on it.  The game that I did not attend because of what happened or the aftermath like an approaching hurricane or a volcano about to erupt, the signs were present in me even though I chose to ignore them well like most people do that catastrophic events.  The game I would have been mad because most of this state does not watch college football however, they will care now to talk trash.  This is upsetting because my state and my team I love even though I cannot be there however these people do not care at all while I love my team it hurts when they lose.  That was the spark for the fire.  The inferno started then thoughts and feelings like jet fuel poured on it set me ablaze with anger and sadness.  I lost it all pouring out of me because of a loss and people telling me that they are amused by my loss.  To the point of whiskey was needed to calm me down then I fell asleep.  Drained of all energy like a battery I had not more power. 

I would like to state on Thursday and Friday, both days I had relaxed however the sleeper cell in the back of my mind was still there to screw everything up at a moment of weakness.  Sort of like a cold or virus attacks when your bodies defenses are lowered then sneak in to cause destruction like the Trojan horse after being snuck into Troy.  The attack was one maybe that could have been prevented however I write and stop writing because people stop reading.  I know I can be long winded I just like to write, and my feelings just rush out like a can of Coke that has been shaken up.  My birthday is coming however this one seems to be affecting me in different ways with my fear of dying still strong as I hate the state of Alabama.  I lost it because for one I could not be at home in the greatest state ever because jobs are scarce.  The memories or nightmares of different events I have not faced yet.  I have a great life here in Missouri with an abundance of great people.  I forget this during these episodes of anxiety and emotion.  I think about all that has happened, and I used to celebrate my birthday however this one is probably me getting really drunk then sulking hating life.  I know most would state hey if you know it is coming then why not do something, I am trying however the sadness is built up like plaque in arteries. 

I should have vented more however talking to my friends I get either looked at like I just spoke of fight club and we all know the first rule of fight club.  The other reaction from people is that they do not know how to respond.  I am trying to find new hobbies to get me out of the house instead of exploding or having to leave the house because I am at a point of losing my mind like Jack Nicholson in the shining.  I am tired of my brain just wrecked and hurting while I am drained of emotion.  Yes, I will answer your question I am making changes after I stop coughing like a smoker of 40 years.  Hacking and coughing like I am trying to speak German with the right accent.  My doctors are about as transparent as North Korea when the media comes to visit.  I feel that life is passing me by that I am not living however I knew going to Columbia to watch the game would not be a good idea.  I lost it and gained nothing from this experience but a headache and just a drained feeling.  This was not just a game its like they are all part of my family, I must make changes to help well not make these episodes as intense.  Talk to people like my doctor when I am relaxed and well rested, as many know this is one part of my life that I struggle with because most of my life work has been my life before I moved to Missouri.  I have this blog that most of the people that I send this to will not even read this sentence. 

I am trying or since trying is the intention to fail, I am putting in motion changes and hopefully they will help provide a better life for me.  Well until next time have a great night.