I forgave myself Part 2

 

I guess you can refer to this as part two of the last I forgave myself.  Just to know the ghosts of the past that visited me, please do not think this is strange it is part of my culture and maybe it is me telling myself though others what I need to hear.  That is what I have learned or what I know from my psychological studies.  This is because we believe ghosts are not a real being just our brains making up images whether it is to cope before we lose our mind hallucinating or just trying to make up for what is missing or a reminding of the past lessons come into our brains.  I just know my grandma taught me that other people in the past will watch over not like angels however just to know I am loved to steer me when I fall off the path. 

                Most will think well he has lost his marbles finally publicly however then I lost them as a child with my late innocence.  We are told not to believe in anything that is not in front of us but god and the wind.  Most would say they feel both, so they are real.  This is not my intention to say god is not real.  I believe he is watching us to guide us to a better life however even though he allows us to get hurt.  He knows cheers for us to overcome eventually however it hurts him to see us fail.  Now that I am done with that just know my intentions are not one of misbelief.

                I have seen death of people that I care for and those that I have hardly known in my lifetime.  Those that feel that taking a life can be justified are wrong whether it is for your country or for personal protection.   This still sits with me wishing I could give up more and more for everyone however I cannot, and it is out of my control.  I cannot bring back or get my lost time back.  It is hard with myself fighting me to enjoy every day, to live for the days lost.  My head tells me slow down you do not deserve this enjoyable time.  This fights me every moment of my day.  I get stuck frozen in my house cannot move just laying there looking depressed not advancing my life one inch.  I am kneeling like in football when it is time for me to go on offense.  I just stop and fight inside however it kidnaps my happiness and I end up not accomplishing anything. 

                I must find a way to get over that mountain that keeps me in this box what I can do to free myself more.  This is a daily fight I can win if I find the energy to get it done.  I must fight for it do not let it put me in a jail in myself.  Every day will be a battle and I intend to show up and win that battle.  I know I cannot bring back the lost I can remember them and not try to give up my own.