I just forgave myself

 

There is no honor in dying, just death that falls upon those taken away from us.   I will admit that I took a turn a while back sold my soul for money.  I embarrassed people that loved me however those that were there like a hot towel rising a pimple those that were there for money showed themselves and for this I can thank my self for the lost soul.  Was my soul sold or did I hide it as to protect it for the evil I had to experience however like a Netflix binge party it all comes back very quickly.  You must pay the proverbial piper when it comes to pain and misery.  Just like taking pain killers for the pain eventually you will feel the pain one way or another.  Yes, I lied to those that loved me to feed the monsters in my life that continuously used me sucking me dry however not enough to kill me but just enough for me to build back up to drink more.  Like a vampire farming blood not to kill the source of the blood however to keep themselves fed almost to a point of gluttony.  These gluttonous actions almost killed me many times however the horrors I feel everyday in my healing seem to try to kill me inside my head. 

I did what was expected of me to make more money than I needed or any of them needed.  How you ask did I make my money?  Let me just state, everything I did I was good at including business at the time however this went against my moral code.  This was against my grandmother’s teachings and I used my military knowledge since it was them that led me to that path.  The family in question knew my drive such as the government did when I was in the military.  The ability to compartmentalize my feelings and emotions to become a mindless beast.  The toll all of it took during this my alleged recovery from past pain.  I brought it on myself to please those that wanted to be in my life however the terms ended up being unbearable.  I felt good when she gave me love or let me face it, she was just there for the perks and my looks at the time.  It was all for the show she wanted to put on like a show pony I pranced and danced while having to take a sabbatical to be myself.   She would say no public pictures and go be my stray dog self while money was still made for me and them.  I would try to run however and start a new life without the money or the burdens however like the mafia it would pull me back. 

I crashed looking for solace like a person stranded at sea however they always got me back until Missouri came calling and then I could give it up.  This for years ruining my soul causing pain while the pains of the past festered and grew like black mold in a house destroying me inside.  I knew it would happen I cut off the money drained it all found ways to get rid of it to help others then moved on to my recovery.  The scars will always be there from what I had to do for my country for my family and other actions to stack money to be driven.  I had my Ebenezer Scrooge moment with the ghosts of sins passed.  They have all came to visit me to show me what would happen if I stayed on course.  The grandmother dreams also continued to remind me of the lessons I have learned.  Business I was put in to be the fixer however the fixer never can go further because of his sins.  The only way was to break free give it all up in hopes to repair and renew myself.  I am blessed to the people that have helped saved me from myself going down the dark road never return.  I am scared to lose my life because after being imprisoned with people that stated they loved me I am now free.  I just think about all the days, months and years lost in which I cannot retrieve.  I thank all that love me without monetary provisions.  I need to live in order to live I must put myself on a track to get back to where I can be productive.  Its not over however many think so because of age however I will fight.  I do not apologize for my actions however I do wish for forgiveness from those in my hometown Larose for the evil I did to survive in the military and New Orleans.  I forgive myself and will fight on to be better.