Just trying to find out why
Well once again here I am wondering if I am over reacting to my birthday or just acting in accordance to the fear of being alone. Why I could not just stay with some of the women I have dated. I know one did not want me she wanted something else by her reference to other men’s darker genitalia and hearing about one of the others disrespect for the person she is around. I am alone without a partner, well my friends always are there however I am getting to old to be on dating sites looking. I have started to miss my exes that tried to change me however the relationship ended. At times I know I was a little bit quick on the trigger to release after an indiscretion happened. Maybe its issues within me that keep me from settling or my study of psychology being a double edge sword. The fact I can read people or maybe it is fear or something else deep within me that makes me worry.
I know people will constantly try to tell me well you have to be happy by yourself. I am however just like we all want is a little enhancement not needing but wanting to have a female companion. Like the quarterback for the Kansas City Chiefs Patrick Mahomes uses ketchup on his steak. Its not needed however it makes him happy and enhances his life. Yes, it has been hammered in my head I do not need anyone however I want to have someone in my life.
I feel the clock ticking, tick, tock chasing me down while
the sands of the hourglass dwindling down not knowing when my time will be
over. It scares me to death and all of
this after strife and just recovery from everything that has happened. Too much time wasted while watching death
circle me wondering if I wasted my life being just drug down instead of living
might come back to haunt me. My life is
just boring I thought about it while studying vlogging. What part of my life would people want to see? Me sitting in the room or just most times a
figure in the corner when hanging out with friends.
I want more however I do not know how to relax. I do not have a hobby besides losing my shit every
time LSU loses. Well in my defense it
was Missouri a place that does not love their team statewide. It felt like a rich kid as some of my exes
happy in life while I struggle at times.
They do not care because they have the luxury to say well if we win
great if not it’s okay because Missourians do not care anyway. LSU has been my family through all the losses,
pain and Misery. Then I forget to live thinking
my days are numbered and do not want to go with another loss. It is my state my love however because of
life I cannot live there and feel like I am losing it everyday I am away from Louisiana. It feels like R.E.M. sang Losing my Religion. My accent is wasting away my culture is leaving
me it seems just like in the state post Katrina in which people from all over
the world are taking over changing the cuisine and watering down the
culture.
I feel lost many times missing the world however people
still do not understand me or listen to me.
I lost people every day, I am
boring to my friends however I realize that I need to be out more not locked up
however it is people that do not accept my culture however they accept what is
popular. I need to enjoy my life more
get out more have something to write about than what is going on in my head.
Comments
Post a Comment