Night thoughts

 

I must get this off my chest as I sit up here unable to sleep.  My birthday is coming up I want to party however I have this fear that the grim reaper is on my heels.  Why can I not relax and enjoy the time?  Is it the pending death I always feel is lurking?  Maybe it’s the midlife crisis.  I am getting sick now for longer then get told well we don’t know what it is.  I want to relax however I am constantly just worried about pissing people in my life off.  I just want to enjoy my life to relax have someone that does not think the worst of me.  I struggle everyday I know I have lived to satisfy the wrong people and now I cannot find joy for myself.  I do love myself and want to be great however by myself has become all too comfortable.  This is different open I know that I am in there as you can read on other blogs and now, I start to think I have multiple personalities or something else.  I could go down all the psychological issues however I do not have enough of each symptom.  Maybe I am just simply scared and afraid of making more mistakes to which I will be miserable or make others miserable. 

I fear death it haunts me.  All that I have done at times eats at me however at other times I am at peace with it all.  I know sometimes I am in my head because I regret different decisions.  Yes, I know I am loved and must let it all go however every decision seems to be one of fear.  I do think anxiety disorder rears its ugly head like a demon to say you are not going to be okay.  I know I can fight however I guess I have been sick that it has just worn me down along with the lack of sleep.  I am happy with my life however I do want more out of it not to be stale.  I feel like I am done I don’t have my drive and piss every woman I date off because I just like to chill and do not want  to sacrifice all that have been in my life just to have them.  They were there when all others abandoned me.  Most will roll your eyes an make the statement everyone feels like that.  I did have everyone tell me that I was being used for money and I lost it after losing numerous people and my city.  I want to enjoy my birthday but not scared I want to relax.  Most of my birthdays my energy is spent on everyone else till I get so drunk to the point I want it all to be the last or I stop drinking watching everyone around me enjoy while I am bored. 

My friends have family and significant others that make their birthday special or ignore it all together.  I just nee to relax my mind for a minute and not fear death so much.  I have people that care but do they understand my fears are haunting me.  Why can not I relax at times and seize the day or in my peoples saying Let the Good Times Roll.  Instead I am neurotic and just scared, I know I am not a passive pussy however as of late my smile only returns every now and then like the McRib.  My friend is right I need to take days off work turn off the computer and just enjoy life and days off.  Who knows if I will throw a party or get drunk at the rodeo?  When I do that it is me at a table not having fun just sitting in my own mental juices watching people wonder what people will think if I just enjoy myself.  My exes would be angry because I never did that with them, I was just a wild child.  Well a stray dog her mom would say she couldn’t take the Louisiana out of me.  (She meant poor Coonass).  I am now just hiding in my shell like a turtle fearing the outside world will hurt me however others I feel like myself then battle sleep and the night.  What has happened to a man that once was king?  Where did he go?  Why does he only show up every now and then after which disappears like a dead-beat father.  I hope this birthday I can enjoy and not hate my life.  Hope everyone has a good night thanks for the time to vent.