Hodor Everyday until they use me up

 

Today I would like to be transparent about my fear and my day to day struggle.  Today has turned into a great morning mentally.  These do not happen every day.  See my brain is like one of those wrestlers or professional athletes that have injuries, wake up feeling the pains of the past.  Some days the uphill battle from the time I wake up to I go to sleep, just to make me feel good to have a great day.  I battle I push demons back like Hodor in the Game of Thrones closing the door with the white walkers pounding on the door.  Sometimes Hodor keeps them out then sometimes I cannot hold the door and get overwhelmed.  I used to be great at pretending or putting on the mask or the show as I call it however, I just want to be real.  I want the people to know that it is not as easy and with the mask I was not being real or genuine.  I know that times people saw cracks in which a couple of my exes would say I cannot handle you showing weakness then I would man up.  I would bury any emotion to put the show on because people love the show.  I do miss those days of the show how people looked at me like I was a character. 

I went too long burying deeper and deeper this pain and hurt with false sense of happiness.  People around me would keep me going to get one last drop of my energy.  I will not allow that to happen again.  I miss the exes at times the life I live until the point when there is a day, I struggle then it all comes back to me.  I was used until they used me up like the song says by Bill Withers.  Oh, you keep on using me until, you use me up.  Did they love me at all?  I think part of them did however my exes where all product of their mothers.  I know that free will is still around they could go down a different path however of course pressure to be the person that their parents want is ominous.  This is overwhelming at times expectations of others.  A couple of their fathers told me that I would be in this crossfire however I felt with everything I have been through this would be a picnic however it was a bigger mountain up close than it was from afar.  The enjoyable times when we both let our guards down were wonderful however few and far between.  I know that there was love in the relationship.  It took its toll on me the more that I was to be more sophisticated more refined as she would say the more I felt like my personality was leaving like a leak one drop at a time with the leak letting more and more go.  Until you cannot keep the tub full. 

I will close this just mentioning on a positive note.  I am alive and do not wish for death out of pure exhaustion anymore.  Too much was lost on those people that used me.  I know that there have been times with them of genuine fun.  I will make it my mission to cherish the days and take advantage of the gifts of another day.  Thank you for reading I hope that you enjoyed this entry.