I sent three f ing boats

 

Night settles in as I relax a little before I head for the hopes for another day.  Yes, my fear is death and it scares me all the time.  When you have looked into its eyes and dared it to take you then you respect and fear it.  I know this is about my dating exploits however looking within helps with knowing where I am emotionally when I meet people.  I was on the dating site I had two hits however they fizzled out like Alca seltzer in warm water.  No response from text and messenger.  I will say that most people including me in the past have used the work excuse as a temporary wall.  Like a speed bump however this is just another way to protect your heart.  I have realized my error in the past with this method.  Error I always wonder if I have missed the three ships to come save me like in the old tale. 

There was a man drowning that prayed to god please save me.  When a ship came to him with the captain offering his hand, the man said no god will save me.  The second ship appeared then again; the captain offered his hand however the man once again stated god will save me.  A third ship appeared the captain offering his hand however once again the man said No Thank you god will save me.  Well unfortunately the man was overcome and drowned.  When he got to heaven his question for god was why you didn’t save me.  God said I sent three ships.

I wonder if I have been sent three ships and I declined them for one reason or another.  I know that I have tried just people do not understand me verbally and physically.  I am tired of this and would like to find someone I have been on this journey for years alternating my no looking and looking to go through the extremes suggested by my friends and family throughout the years.  Most would say well that did not work, about face then march the opposite way.  I am one that has done this for their sake and not my own to not be an askhole or a person that asks for advice and then like an asshole disregards said advice.   

I have been considered stubborn plenty of times and of course I try to do what makes me feel like movement has happened.  I prefer to look then just sit around and wait for something to fall in my lap however I did this to appease people that gave me advice while I think it has affected me to the point where I do not push then I lose romantic interests because of my lack of action.  I know that I cannot be passive anymore because when I am not then people like this however this turns into a double edge sword.  People love it then go to the extreme to hate me especially when they consume alcohol. 

This is not just a journey to find someone who excepts me for me to know that I can be myself without having to change like a step ford Wife in order to have them in my life.  I know that I am feeling more like myself everyday and sometimes take a step backward or two.  I must push forward do not let anxiety of fear take over my body like a ghost with evil intentions.  Well I know everyone is tired of reading until tomorrow thank you!