Behind the scenes at Fort Knox

 

Hello again as I come to you after the Christmas Holiday to the New Year’s holiday, I have some thoughts to share with you, well if you read these musings of mine.  I try to be as transparent as possible however most people do not understand the gravity of this statement since I normally only divulge a small amount of my thoughts and feelings.  See in all of my psychological knowledge I used to divulge ramblings on status updates or poems that most of the time where anxiety attacks written out in basically lose and impactful statements as a sign for help while most just passed this off as the shouting equivalent of a mad man on the street.  These as stated in previous entries were the anxiety attacks, I did not know I was having in my solitude.  I have learned this and that most of the people online just thought I am a crazy man a lunatic that people saw unraveling like a baseball with no cover.  The snickers the whispers grew louder as I passed people when they thought I did not notice.   Those have pulled me out at times to say what is going on with you or you need to get out. 

I mention this because I want to see how far I have come in a undisclosed amount of time.  I will say that this blog has taken some into a world that is darker than they have expected.  I wrote it because someone once said we don’t know much about why you have this disorder or my thinking in general.  Yes, there are clinical diagnoses for the issues however let us just call them comics because they have issues. I will admit to really get me out of my shell to share is like breaking into Fort Knox.  You do not know what is going on there until they release information.  This gets inside the walls that most would consider to be great unexpected news if I was famous.  This is a behind the scenes investigate my life. 

We often get sidetrack however certain events pull us back in.  This Christmas I had one of the best ones that have existed in a while.  This has been sort of a process, the Christmases from the past years have set up this one because of a contribution of many different people that have added to my patchwork quilt family.  I must explain that even though I have reached out to them to reconcile with them just for peace within me however receptive they are not.  They do not wish to have this rejoining however I have tried therefore gives me peace.  I gave the college try and reached the olive branch however it was not excepted.  I am not distraught or upset because people have accepted me into their families. 

Do not get me wrong I miss my state so much, but I would go back to Louisiana in a familiar set however the cast would be strange and recognizable.  The fact being in those surroundings even for a little bit will be nice.  The last time I snuck home people would recognize me however would distance themselves like I was a leper or contagious with my own disease.  The unwanted soul that just walked around different places at times sad however I enjoyed looking around at the changes as well the scenery that has not changed.  I plan on more trips to get familiar with the new sites and renew the old sites with new memories.  Louisiana is home still and although I found a place where I am excepted, well for most things.  I love to go back and be a tourist in my own home state and both towns well town Larose and city of New Orleans that I call home.

To the other juicy part that is my love life or lack there of in this case.  I try to let people in but insecurities or anger keep pushing me away.  Just when I think that I should let someone in I guess the frustration with me boils over.  I care however sometimes the allegations and the fact I get a reaction that makes me retract like a turtle into my shell is a problem.  I swear I try then maybe because I do not communicate this is a way for them to know that I am not a player and I do hang out with only people in my circle.  Then I get told about playing games however the only game I play is Red Dead Redemption Two now days.  I do want to be around someone that respects me and knows I will show my feelings in time however getting frustrated and yelling at me is just not a way to extract the desired response.  I know my actions are not always the accepted way of going about things or could frustrate someone.  I am trying however it seems all I do is frustrate the opposite sex.  I am working on a better way of expiration and my hobbies as well.  For this day I will say have a great day and thank you for reading this entry.