I am not perfect I just live pray and try to press on

 

Today is a good day to write because I am subdued.  I guess my medicine along with all the vitamins I choke down every morning is working in different ways.  I do it to get better to find that balance that I can feel comfortable with like a gymnast finding their footwork.  I have been subdued this week in which could be considered a low in my personality.  At least this week I am not feeling the constant hypersensitivity I normally feel. 

I wrote this on a previous day and did not want to leave this is the universe and not share it.

Today is another day and yes, my thoughts continue to be heavy that weigh me down like I have bricks taped to my feet thrown into the river.  I sink and hurt everyone around me because at times I cannot function, and I try constantly sometimes to no avail or success.  This hurts me to disappoint the ones I love that support me daily.  Look at their expression of disappointments make me just drill deeper at times because of the above-mentioned hypersensitivity.  I know at times I have the world on my shoulders.  I put this on my shoulders because I am used to it the burden.  Now I according to people in my past I a am a failure.  You can say it does not matter that is said however it does to go from successful and promising to people disappointed in you.  I have disappointed myself and I feel like a failure.  I need to get more productive learn other habits and just learn like my French again along with maybe welding however I feel like death many times.  I am broken lost and do not know how to get on the right path.  I know it is one day at a time one habit at a time.  I know it cannot be recouped all in one day or fail swoop even though I will try.  Please say this is not how my story ends, for this I pray. I feel like this is out of control with the breaks are gone and I cannot stop this until it crashes.  I keep telling myself just keep trying keep getting up, don’t quit.  You have been through too much to stop just get up because I didn’t hear not bell.  Yes, a Rocky reference to another one.  If you get hurt, and you feel like your going down.  This little angel is going to whisper in your ear, get up you son of a bitch because Mickey loves you!  I have today to accomplish something little to grow and establish a new culture in my life.  I apologize if this is not happy I just needed to go through it.