Its all life or a death situation but why so serious

 

Welcome to another blog, these in which are the days of my life.  Yes, like the soap opera that I watched as a kid with my grandmother.  I am currently working on my fitness, and like the over used phrase for my blog with society in general like I used to back in the day.  You the graveyard in which we have sent behaviors that helped us were unceremoniously sent to the proverbial pasture because of one reason or another. I have plenty excuses built in that I have used to use as the dirt to bury the behaviors.  I could list out the reasons however it was just a match to engulf the flames that are my PTSD, depression or the personality disorder that I have developed over the years like when you have torn cartilage in your knee, then you just keep taking pain killers then you tear more over compensate with the other leg to have issues with that as well.  The complete disregard and neglect for my own head for years took a toll.  I am learning to get better through the help of studies and my family here.  I would throw friends into that however this is almost a slap to the face or disrespectful to those that have helped me through the years of recovery from just being lost. 

I have something to tell everyone that reads this blog.  I gave away money that I had from a sold business, then all my possessions that I had collected from businesses and money some that my family did not know about.  The money was hidden, and I tried to distance myself from it plenty of times however like a ghost it called me back to a life that was killing me mentally.  Now for the admission of the century with my mind and body failing me, I came to Missouri to say goodbye.  I was going to end my life because I had been beat up however, I never expected to meet the people I did here.  I tried numerous times however part of me is too strong then I commissioned others to do it for me because I guess I was a coward.  They those of let’s say questionable morals could not do it either.  No matter what I have done in my life they stated that they could not end my life.  That I was a good man that deserved peace in my head before I made any extreme decisions.  I broke down I was lost and in pain however it was from years of burying these issues that I realized that I must dig up the bones and pay the piper for all the deep burial.  I still have the night terrors and the dreams with flashbacks however I fight through them out of the love from others.  This is not as easy it seems.  It’s a battle everyday the pushing people away to the just lost nature at times I feel in my seclusion.  Looking at the time lost running from my own demons I cannot get back.  They say money cannot buy happiness however it can buy a jet ski and have you seen a depressed person on a jet ski.  I continue to this day to fill sadness with objects bought however I have learned this still does not make me happy.  Thank you for reading have a great day.