Some of my thought process

 

Let’s try another thought since most people do not know however most do not know because I do not communicate well because yes ironically the guy who preaches communication on all psychology and relationship musing does not.  Like has been state I do not want to bother or unload on others since they are fighting their own battles.  Yes, I know they care, and I care about their issues as well but trying to listen to my shit when theirs is in the front of their minds does not make sense to bother them. 

Saturday I will try to explain all my feelings.  I woke up on edge however I was knocked out asleep from the previous night.  As I awoke in a daze not as bad as others however feels like a hazy fog.  My ears were ringing like bells.  The kind of ringing that was a little louder than normal like when you panic hearing the late bell at school as you scurry to your class knowing you are in trouble.  I just got up and refreshed myself in the sink of the bathroom with the water ice cold like the spray off a boat in the winter.  I proceeded to get dressed while my brain scanned through what to do until the Christmas party started since this was too early to get the party kicked off.   I was already pretty sure however not 100 percent sure I would go to the barbershop early to kill some time and visit with the fellas.  To throw in a refresh this is the place when I moved here, I hung out when I did not have anywhere else to hang out in this town.  I did not just hang out there for lack of options however it was the first place I felt comfortable and I could relax.  I stayed inside my apartment and stewed inside with every demon showing up like an Alice in wonderland tea party while I vent every frustration on social media looking like an insane person.  I did not know what was wrong with me, my brother at the barbershop had led me to find answers from his experiences.  He is a veteran like me so he knew the signs of trouble that with all my studies could not figure out because a car cannot diagnose the problems itself. 

I digress however I feel a need to let those to know my thought process on why I go where I go.  I am an indecisive person so as I travelled, I got off the highway on a different exit than needed because my brain had not yet decided to go to the barbershop.  I may want to go to the store or just drive because what if the barbershop was too packed, I pondered.  My mind as I drove drifted to breakfast because I did not have a shake in the morning.  I knew that progress had been made this week for weight loss goals with the running.  I did not want to crush it, by that I mean the progress rolling into a drive through of Wendy’s where the breakfast baconator sounded good or McDonalds.  I then being the random person I am turned into Sonic to check the application for deals.  I knew I was a low on money with the payday week approaching so I wanted to get the best deal possible.  I usually check the applications while I turn into a parking lot or drive on the outside of the drive through menu to check prices as well as all the big ads on the windows that scream DEAL PICK ME!  Knowing the times, I constantly monitor, and checking google on my phone to see when breakfast ends for each place.   I then wonder if I should get beer however, I would go more cost efficient with the quality and if I wanted to because my lunacy would focus on cost to amount then quality.  Quantity over quality was the thought that whirled through my head.  I then went through all the fast food restaurants from my location to the barbershop talking my self in then out of breakfast or beer.  I then pulled into the barbershop to get out and try to relax some.   I then hear my friends voice as I ponder a shot of fireball or beer that the calories where empty and not needed however, I need to relax, or I will burst like a balloon.  I think while I talk random nonsense to the people at the Shop where will I go and will I drink beer or vodka drinks.

My mind then thinks time to leave however where to go just get in the car and let the thoughts flow stop wherever you want to for oh damn breakfast is now over.  I drove thinking maybe go by the mall you have 20 minutes to be in that place before you lose your proverbial shit.  I decided to leave and go my car oil change popped in my head like that annoying light however I know its hard to get into a place for under 50 dollars that will have to wait until payday.  I thought well I am going to battled to my Marco Polo messages yet so if I take the backroads or stop on the way to look around maybe someone will respond.  Then while thinking about it hey there is a Walmart Neighborhood Market then I swerve into the turn lane to go in.  I am in the Walmart not knowing what I want to get wandering aimlessly like a ghost floating around.  Do I want a power bar or beer?  Oh, look they have Care Bears take a picture and send it to someone that would like them.  That happens often online of in person because I want to send people something they like when found during my wandering in stores or online.  Then blanking out I leave forgetting the reason why I pulled into the store in the first place.  I go to battlefield because I got a message answer.  My mind wonders and my heartbeat are sounding through the ringing of my ears as I think to about what could be wrong.  I arrive just to get in my friends’ truck to go pick up Blind boy.  I have the thoughts racing do not google the heartbeat ears ringing because the internet will tell you that you are dying. 

I then while reminding myself to go down the street when they answer and thinking however everyone In the world is remembering there is someone knew that I will have to get used to and think they are weird and then leave to get a new prospective .  Oh, look my heartbeat is going through the ringing in my ears still let me google this to find the words that terrify everyone Low blood pressure aneurism.  I then go into my head and just sit there surrounded by people while they try to get to me however, I might be dying in my head.  Do I need to lower medications also ran though my head?  With the attempts for Major Tom to ground control dismissed by me because I am gone.  I say I am good just here like I do robotically, and I start towards my card.  In the car I lay down staring off slowly going into the fetal position to protect my core and just feel comfortable when we get scared listening to the beat of my heart in my ears, I just stare off struggling to get comfortable.  Time for a drive I thought to that creek down the road.  I depart quietly down the road debating whether to return home to relax then I thought gas would be wasted and I would upset the people that care about me.  I made it to the creek checked out the water to see it over the road.  I saw all the litter and the rocks with all the graffiti from a summer of people going there for a less expensive way to cool down.  I thought about my life trying to calm down with the water just to go back to my car realizing I parked in the middle of the road.  Now to go back and get ready for the party.

This was part of my thought process well partially during this time.  Thankyou for reading.