Well more confusing stuff on my mind

 

Some call me eccentric or enigmatic many times in my life.  For those that need a definition as it pertains to these words.  Enigmatic is for a person or their behavior is considered unconventional or slightly strange.   Then there is enigmatic which means difficult to interpret or understand a bit mysterious.  Some say I am damaged beyond repair however let me explain a couple of things.  I went so long working that was my only identifiable characteristic not being able to be myself.  I like what I like, and I tend to stray to myself many times.  I have this blog as a way of being transparent however this is not about one person well maybe sometimes it can be.  I am chronicling different aspects of my life to allow people into my thoughts. 

I know I have stated that this is about dating or psychology however the only common subject is me.  I know people have a hard time getting to know me.  I am open once I am comfortable however that process does not have a specific timetable.  In other words, this is a case by case basis.  The word I love to use is organically.   Most use the word FUBAR for me however this means Fucked up Beyond Recognition.  This is not true because for a while I did not know who I was because I identified by work.  No hobbies and only watched football in which with the exes became me hiding a lot like Ann Frank escaping the Nazis. 

Everything I liked was hidden and stuff deep inside because this is not a way to act for a gentleman in society.  It tore me up so when the shackles were released even by their own confessions all exploded.  I have had friends’ wives that call me a child because of the fact I love and enjoy what I want.  No apologies no worries as some may say.  I know my actions are perceived as not normal whatever that means however there is a method to my madness. 

I have to say something for my own conscious.  I was in those relationships and yes, I allowed all of that because at the time I loved them and wanted their happiness.  I do this often for people because I want people to be happy even at the expense of my own.  I was lost in many ways trying to make people happy that turned into more than a full-time job.  I know many of the people in my life now constantly tell me to do what I want to do.   It is hard because I do not want to be consider selfish like some of the people have stated about me.  When I say people, these are non-descript and I might feel it inside sometimes maybe feel guilt.  I enjoy my time with everyone in my life when I come out of my hole. 

Thank you for everyone that reads my blog and helped me through all of my times of anxiety and pain in the assery.  Have a great day!