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Showing posts from December, 2020

Behind the scenes at Fort Knox

  Hello again as I come to you after the Christmas Holiday to the New Year’s holiday, I have some thoughts to share with you, well if you read these musings of mine.   I try to be as transparent as possible however most people do not understand the gravity of this statement since I normally only divulge a small amount of my thoughts and feelings.   See in all of my psychological knowledge I used to divulge ramblings on status updates or poems that most of the time where anxiety attacks written out in basically lose and impactful statements as a sign for help while most just passed this off as the shouting equivalent of a mad man on the street.   These as stated in previous entries were the anxiety attacks, I did not know I was having in my solitude.   I have learned this and that most of the people online just thought I am a crazy man a lunatic that people saw unraveling like a baseball with no cover.   The snickers the whispers grew louder as I passed peop...

Merry Christmas Lets keep talking

  Today is the day before Christmas Eve, so I figure I will make a nicer blog or just some thoughts.   I always figured being straight up and down like six o’clock was always the way to be.   At times it is a double edge sword with people.   Honesty scares people and I will not lie it scares me too to reach back and think about all the events that negatively impacted my life.   I should write that I have had love from people like my grandmother. Part of me knows that I have shared too much that most will have a issue with me.   The negatives in my life are not who I am now.   They helped shape the person in a positive way however I know there have been some dark times, and I have been forth coming about these times.   I can talk about it to tell people that I have came far since that period.   I found a way out of a bad situation to clear my head and learn to live life. The dark times make me feel like you do when you have been inside all day...

I couldn't help but notice your pain My pain? It runs deep; share it with me!

I couldn't help but notice your pain My pain? It runs deep; share it with me! This one line from the beginning of 2Pac’s Pain song was one of the reasons that I write.   He shared pain with the world through his music I share mine through this blog.   This was not to keep holding however to put in the air the pain in order to move on to the future.   My ex used to say I have all these bags for this trip they do not want to check them all.   I quoted my grandma by saying its your baggage get rid of what you did not need.   The pain of the past is not needed for the future it is expendable.   Keep the happy memories do not let those ones deep keep you from being weighed down.   I am starting to figure out more and more.   The junkie mother that shot me up with heroine to test hers to make sure that she did not die from bad drugs.   The military and the constant barrage of bad dreams that plagued me the death and destruction.   I do n...

I am dying!!!!!!!!!.....with Random thoughts

  I am dying!   Well that what Kelly on the office says in one episode.   She yells it for the attention during a meeting because she is bored.   I know its dramatic that is how I feel when I am anxious and tired.   Yelling it then running away like batman with a cloud of smoke to disappear however it would look more like the hockey players from Letterkenny yelling ninja dust poof.   I have been stressing myself a lot lately and my room is of course a mess.   I have so many projects to complete that I have not started any of them.   I get to the point I shut down and I know this is not a healthy behavior because this is a total shutdown.   I will figure out a way to get passed this and get something done because I need structure and organization.   The disaster that I must clean up because with zero plans or structure, I do not get what needs to be done completed.   The feeling on this Monday is anxious or maybe it is too much caf...

Its all life or a death situation but why so serious

  Welcome to another blog, these in which are the days of my life.   Yes, like the soap opera that I watched as a kid with my grandmother.   I am currently working on my fitness, and like the over used phrase for my blog with society in general like I used to back in the day.   You the graveyard in which we have sent behaviors that helped us were unceremoniously sent to the proverbial pasture because of one reason or another. I have plenty excuses built in that I have used to use as the dirt to bury the behaviors.   I could list out the reasons however it was just a match to engulf the flames that are my PTSD, depression or the personality disorder that I have developed over the years like when you have torn cartilage in your knee, then you just keep taking pain killers then you tear more over compensate with the other leg to have issues with that as well.   The complete disregard and neglect for my own head for years took a toll.   I am learning to ge...

Stay off the Weeeeed

  I wanted to address something on this blog entry that is marijuana and CBD oil.   I have tried both with drastically different effects.   I went out with two friends and unknowingly smoked I guess a vape of Marijuana in the middle of the bar.   I was more than three sheets to the wind, and I was buzzing after that hit.   I thought it was just some fruity stuff that people have been puffing on with giant clouds of smoke.   I am curious so I took a puff and there I went.   I will once again say that I was enjoying a nice amount of beer that night.   I felt good I couldn’t tell which substance was the one that made me buzzed however I was happy and relaxed also a bit free.   Like on the beach close your eyes and feel the breeze free.   I was intoxicated and I could not tell just which of the two it was because I had a very good day of drinking beer.   I do not like drugs or this marijuana thing that my pot head friends state it’s a...

Well more confusing stuff on my mind

  Some call me eccentric or enigmatic many times in my life.   For those that need a definition as it pertains to these words.   Enigmatic is for a person or their behavior is considered unconventional or slightly strange.    Then there is enigmatic which means difficult to interpret or understand a bit mysterious.   Some say I am damaged beyond repair however let me explain a couple of things.   I went so long working that was my only identifiable characteristic not being able to be myself.   I like what I like, and I tend to stray to myself many times.   I have this blog as a way of being transparent however this is not about one person well maybe sometimes it can be.   I am chronicling different aspects of my life to allow people into my thoughts.   I know I have stated that this is about dating or psychology however the only common subject is me.   I know people have a hard time getting to know me.   I am open once I...

Some of my thought process

  Let’s try another thought since most people do not know however most do not know because I do not communicate well because yes ironically the guy who preaches communication on all psychology and relationship musing does not.   Like has been state I do not want to bother or unload on others since they are fighting their own battles.   Yes, I know they care, and I care about their issues as well but trying to listen to my shit when theirs is in the front of their minds does not make sense to bother them.   Saturday I will try to explain all my feelings.   I woke up on edge however I was knocked out asleep from the previous night.   As I awoke in a daze not as bad as others however feels like a hazy fog.   My ears were ringing like bells.   The kind of ringing that was a little louder than normal like when you panic hearing the late bell at school as you scurry to your class knowing you are in trouble.   I just got up and refreshed myself in...

I am not perfect I just live pray and try to press on

  Today is a good day to write because I am subdued.   I guess my medicine along with all the vitamins I choke down every morning is working in different ways.   I do it to get better to find that balance that I can feel comfortable with like a gymnast finding their footwork.   I have been subdued this week in which could be considered a low in my personality.   At least this week I am not feeling the constant hypersensitivity I normally feel.   I wrote this on a previous day and did not want to leave this is the universe and not share it. Today is another day and yes, my thoughts continue to be heavy that weigh me down like I have bricks taped to my feet thrown into the river.   I sink and hurt everyone around me because at times I cannot function, and I try constantly sometimes to no avail or success.   This hurts me to disappoint the ones I love that support me daily.   Look at their expression of disappointments make me just drill dee...