The Chaotic Mind of Jalen????

  Today I had written a blog post that was passionate, and I lost it due to my quick trigger finger to restart my laptop.   It was frozen and after further thought I may need one in the future however that is not why I am writing today because this one my old war horse has not failed me yet and I will continue with it.   I type on this like a piano player does his keys.   My old piano plays the songs that I strum with the keys sometimes somber and others happy.   This is the music is mine even though some would not understand because I bleed on this keyboard. Through my fingers the blood floods through the good and bad times of my life. I should not separate them like good and bad children.   These are all experiences some of the Bad were just learning experiences.   The good we learn however the lesson does not stick in our memories. I know some of my posts are a little dramatic, others a little sad, or those that are joyous or to simplify good. ...

  I guess you can refer to this as part two of the last I forgave myself.   Just to know the ghosts of the past that visited me, please do not think this is strange it is part of my culture and maybe it is me telling myself though others what I need to hear.   That is what I have learned or what I know from my psychological studies.   This is because we believe ghosts are not a real being just our brains making up images whether it is to cope before we lose our mind hallucinating or just trying to make up for what is missing or a reminding of the past lessons come into our brains.   I just know my grandma taught me that other people in the past will watch over not like angels however just to know I am loved to steer me when I fall off the path.                   Most will think well he has lost his marbles finally publicly however then I lost them as a child with my late innocence....

  There is no honor in dying, just death that falls upon those taken away from us.    I will admit that I took a turn a while back sold my soul for money.   I embarrassed people that loved me however those that were there like a hot towel rising a pimple those that were there for money showed themselves and for this I can thank my self for the lost soul.   Was my soul sold or did I hide it as to protect it for the evil I had to experience however like a Netflix binge party it all comes back very quickly.   You must pay the proverbial piper when it comes to pain and misery.   Just like taking pain killers for the pain eventually you will feel the pain one way or another.   Yes, I lied to those that loved me to feed the monsters in my life that continuously used me sucking me dry however not enough to kill me but just enough for me to build back up to drink more.   Like a vampire farming blood not to kill the source of the blood however to keep...

 Well once again here I am wondering if I am over reacting to my birthday or just acting in accordance to the fear of being alone.  Why I could not just stay with some of the women I have dated.  I know one did not want me she wanted something else by her reference to other men’s darker genitalia and hearing about one of the others disrespect for the person she is around.  I am alone without a partner, well my friends always are there however I am getting to old to be on dating sites looking.  I have started to miss my exes that tried to change me however the relationship ended.  At times I know I was a little bit quick on the trigger to release after an indiscretion happened.  Maybe its issues within me that keep me from settling or my study of psychology being a double edge sword.  The fact I can read people or maybe it is fear or something else deep within me that makes me worry.   I know people will constantly try to tell me well you...

  I have some thoughts that are gnawing on me like a dog on a bone.   Its churning my stomach like an agitator in a washing machine.   I am at a point of bursting with anger however I will not unleash fire, brimstone or my wrath   on here if possible.   I know many will take this personally however this is just my experience and how I feel.   I know my feelings do not matter about dating or women because men in the past did not let them vote.   This will be a subject I will touch on another blog entry.   I am as we know in the dating world that I will still refer to dating these turbulent days as being a realtor in Iraq.   There are plenty of properties however they are bombed out from past wars.   I understand neglect and abuse are prevalent in this society of people hurting others because they have been hurt.   The eye for an eye will make the whole world blind philosophy is lost from the mental health issue epidemic that exists...

  Boom there goes the dynamite.   Today yes LSU lost, and it decimated me.   I imploded faster than a bankrupt casino.   Yes, I need to vent about the game, or the aftermath and I will explain in the second half why this one was just a fire with gasoline thrown on it.   The game that I did not attend because of what happened or the aftermath like an approaching hurricane or a volcano about to erupt, the signs were present in me even though I chose to ignore them well like most people do that catastrophic events.   The game I would have been mad because most of this state does not watch college football however, they will care now to talk trash.   This is upsetting because my state and my team I love even though I cannot be there however these people do not care at all while I love my team it hurts when they lose.   That was the spark for the fire.   The inferno started then thoughts and feelings like jet fuel poured on it set me ablaze with a...

 Morning a start of a new day, you have a blank canvass to paint away the regrets from yesterday.  You can paint a masterpiece however at times because of that evil entity the past or just being worn down mentally from life we start at a deficit.  I write what I feel because you have to see the good and the bad to know about the sincerity of each post.  Not that your so vain, you think every post is about you.  Sorry had to put that because its true when you care about someone, you do not want them to hurt believe me.  I wake up every morning at this deficit however that does not have the right to dictate my day.  The past will not victimize me to ruin the present every day.  Some nights and days the past wins a battle or two however this is not without a fight.  I will not go gently into the night, I will rage ,rage against the dying of the light.   I hate that days I am not present people can not find me even though, I am standing...

  I must get this off my chest as I sit up here unable to sleep.   My birthday is coming up I want to party however I have this fear that the grim reaper is on my heels.   Why can I not relax and enjoy the time?   Is it the pending death I always feel is lurking?   Maybe it’s the midlife crisis.   I am getting sick now for longer then get told well we don’t know what it is.   I want to relax however I am constantly just worried about pissing people in my life off.   I just want to enjoy my life to relax have someone that does not think the worst of me.   I struggle everyday I know I have lived to satisfy the wrong people and now I cannot find joy for myself.   I do love myself and want to be great however by myself has become all too comfortable.   This is different open I know that I am in there as you can read on other blogs and now, I start to think I have multiple personalities or something else.   I could go down all the p...

  Well welcome to today, yes once again I did not sleep great too much always on my mind.   I know on this day the one adjustment I must make is to be more fun in my life.   I tend to dwell or sink into a pit of despair.   I tend to go into a hole wrap up from the world because I am sensitive with all of my senses that sometimes I just want it all dull and I go into my hole.   Today the adjustment is just more coffee from lack of sleep once again.   This is a constant and have to deal with on an everyday basis.   Going to work and dating applications when I go on a walk.     Yes, a walk like I am a hundred years old.   I am still battling non-Covid sickness as the tests stated.   We all know that they are very accurate, while I sit here sick most people focused on are the ones without symptoms.   Okay time to not go down the negative road on this one.   Its like going down a hill with no breaks, stop before you get rolling...

  Today once again I write about life and need changes.   I am one that suffers and lives through numerous mental health conditions.   I realize that with this being home working from home and just being stationary, that I need more structure to do the little things every day to improve my life.   More structure because if not I will freak out and all of it falls like London bridge.   I need to make the adjustments to a schedule every day just doing little adjustments.   I say adjustments instead of changes because its not trying to get it all back because like in racing if you try to change it all go worst to first.   This will put more stress on the engine and the structure of the car will fail.   The biggest issue I have is that I can have one little moment a hiccup and with me at times I throw it all out.   Most would say because I am a perfectionist however it’s just anxiety and lower confidence that we do this most of the time.   I...

  Good evening it is a wonderful Sunday for me my LSU Tigers won and surprisingly my Saints won too. This weekend I was supposed to take out this woman I was dating however the events happened that basically provided destruction to the date as well the relationship chances.   I will start by the first problem in a communication stream was Snapchat.   This is an application in which all the messages disappear after seeing them like the message that self-destructs in mission impossible 3,2,1 and boom goes the female.   I will tell you what happened and what I possibly did wrong in the correspondence then tell you why my mind said nope it is not worth it.   First it started that I got a message from her on Snapchat asking about Saturday night.   What to wear? What time?   The usual questions when it comes to a time out of the house.   I explained that I want to watch my football game at my friend’s house then go out on the town or a bar.   I don...

 As I approach the microphone because I ain’t no joke.  I know so eloquently spit those lyrics.  Well I know this is not actually a microphone however this is how I speak my words to the masses.  People know I hate politics right now I feel comfortable watching the world burn like my own reality show.  I have enjoyed watching people run around crazy because their outside matches inside of my head however I know that my head has been damaged while the world runs around acting like victims because of what history?  Slavery was so long ago and no one alive today has witnessed any of that pain.  Now I see nut jobs running around aimlessly and crazily saying that they are being oppressed because of skin color or sexual orientation however if someone says hey I am going to church.  These people are tared and feathered then burned at the steak like a witch in Salem.  People are just lost were just being conservative seems to be wrong.  Wanting ...